The Challenge of Listening, Hearing and Connecting

I used to live in a small community that was strongly evangelical Christian. Whenever asked about my religion, I said I was a Christian Scientist. And usually the conversation went “thud.” It was like the atmosphere changed. There was a sudden coolness. A tight smile came across people’s faces. “Oh really?” they said. “Isn’t that some kind of cult?” Despite my denials of this misapprehension of my faith, the door of understanding was closed. So I rarely spoke about it.

One day, however, the father of my son’s best friend said to me, “Anna, what church do you go to? I have been watching you and wondering for weeks. I figure you are a thinker, so you can’t belong to a cult.” What was so interesting here was that, unbeknownst to me, he had been listening underneath my words. I then realized, with a pang, that I had not honored him the same way. I had pegged him as a rough-neck sports fan who went to an evangelical church. In neither asking, nor listening at a deeper level to him, my own inner door had been shut – while his was wide open. This was a very humbling experience for me and taught me to listen more rather than to judge.

A Deep Desire to be Heard

So why do we do that? Why do we pre-judge and close the door on others, rather than open it and connect? Or why do we feel we have to push our ideas on others, without asking about theirs?

I think it begins with a deep desire to be heard. Many spiritual/religious people have felt cut out of the mainstream conversation for decades because of our beliefs or practices. Yet we know we’ve experienced something profound. We want to share our stories, to engage and contribute. And we want our perspectives to be valued. But for this to happen, of course, we also need to give the same to others.

It’s also an issue of defensiveness. At times, we hold our beliefs so sacred or cherished that we are afraid to let them be challenged. We may find it hard to listen to others who may disagree with our “truths.”

Where we often fall down, as spiritual-religious people, is that we tend to have the “answer” – without listening to the other person’s real question or statement.

How Do We Connect More?

The Jewish philosopher Martin Buber once wrote: “Each of us is encased in an armour which we soon, out of familiarity, cease to notice. There are only moments which penetrate it and stir the soul to sensibility.”

The moments which penetrate our armor are the moments of listening. Truly listening – to ourselves, to another. It is in those moments that we can, perhaps, truly hear a truth that someone is trying to tell us. Our defenses are down, our door is open and real communication begins. But there lies the challenge, for the silence necessary to be a good listener is an uncomfortable place for many of us.

So how do we connect more? I think it’s about listening to what is being said underneath another’s words. Hearing what’s in their heart. Noticing our defenses and when our own door goes “thud.” And being willing to not just tell others what we believe, but to ask, and listen, to what they have to say.

It sounds simple. But finding real communication and connection is something we must actively nurture. And it’s not just about religion. It may be about race, skin color, socio-economic level, politics or belief. To avoid the subject altogether does not lead to better communication; but developing a listening, open heart does.

Have you ever had a “thud” when you were speaking to somebody about something that matters to you?